(This post was given the go-ahead by my boyfriend, Josh. I will give you a heads up that yes, it is slightly personal. It was something we both struggled with, and recently saw eye to eye on. I debated on whether to put this out there, but maybe at least one person will take something from it. If anything, I hope it at least entertains the readers.)
We aren’t getting married.
Ever.
A few months ago, that became a pretty depressing sentence
to think about let alone say out loud.
It gave me pause about our entire relationship after almost two years –
most of which we have spent living together.
What did this mean? What do I do
now? What would Wonder Woman do?
Initially, for a few weeks after finding out Josh doesn’t want
to get married I kept it to myself.
There were several reasons for that, a couple of which were 1) if I say
it to someone else it makes it real, and 2) maybe I could change his mind. Laughable, I know. I lol’d just now writing that. Sometimes even the most anti-princess type of
woman gets girly about things like this and loses her mind.
Let’s be honest, how many of you women out there – after being
told by your boyfriend that he doesn’t want to get married – would suddenly
hear the words, “If he doesn’t want to marry you, he’s not that into you.”? I hate that book. We all hate that book. The movie wasn’t anything like the book,
because it seems like they all ended
up being the exception to the (stupid) rule.
No woman wants to hear that phrase unless it’s about another woman. Those five words directed at a female in that
particular order has probably sent girls over the edge faster than you can say “But
you’re a nice person!”
Don’t get me wrong; I totally agree with the general message
of the book. Don’t cling, don’t stalk,
don’t wait around, don’t surround your life around him, etc. That is some sensible stuff. But, a lot of it was part of a marketing plan
to sell books. There was a female writer’s
side and witty advice along with phony exaggerated letters by crazy women, and
colorful pages throughout. That kind of
novelty gift should not become the bible of your love life. No two relationships are alike, and my relationship with Josh was pretty unique from day one...because I am his first girlfriend.
I know, heavy, right?! So much to say about that, but maybe another time. My point is that no relationship fits in a one-size-fits-all box of relationship advice given by one man who scored a book deal because he said something catchy on the set of Sex and the City. You need tailored advice.
After weeks of keeping it all to myself, I finally went to
my aunts, then my mom, for some sage advice.
What they told me really changed my perspective. Anyone that has known us as a couple sees the
commitment he has made to me. They see
that he genuinely loves me and my son.
They see that I love him, too. Was I willing to sacrifice that because he doesn’t want to make it a
legal contract? My immediate response
was no. After more time to think on that
and let it sink in I still say no. What
would be the point of ending a great relationship? So I can go find someone else that does want to get married? Will another man and I have the same, if not
better, type of relationship? Doubtful – our relationship is pretty amazing. Does leaving for that reason negate the whole
point of “finding love”? Sure it does.
Marriage is not a guarantee.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. I,
of all people, should know that! I have
seen marriages end over less than what he and I have been through already.
My boyfriend said he is in
this. Better yet, he has shown me. Actions speak volumes. He hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him so
I won’t (and trust me, I am really good at finding reasons). He simply chooses not to turn our
relationship into a legally binding contract and that has nothing to do with
me. We’re planning a move together to a
different school district for my son – that is a different post for another day
– and we always talk about buying a house together. He plans his future with me in it. No sane woman would ignore all of that
because there won’t be a ring or a wedding.
I’m not advising anyone to settle for less out of fear that
they won’t find someone else - far from it! Ladies, if you’re
with a man that is treating you badly dump his ass. Yes, it is that simple. It may be expensive for some, if there are
financial obligations, or it may be difficult because that’s all you know, but
you figure out a way to do it – and dump him. If you’re with a man that says he doesn’t
want to get married, and his actions also tell you he doesn’t want to be with
you, leave. Right now.
What I am advising
is that when you meet someone, if you’re out there in the dating world, be more
open to all possibilities and futures. Search
for the person you want to be happy with – not someone to fill the spot at the
altar that you’ve already decorated on page 37 of your wedding binder. It’s ok to want something like marriage, but
you should decide ahead of time if you are willing to give up something better
just to have it. It all boils down to
being careful what you wish for.
Engagement rings and weddings. Puh. Jewelry
works for all occasions, sisters. And as far
as legally binding contracts go, it doesn’t get any better than a mortgage.
Excellent advice.
ReplyDeleteIn this modern world where more than half of marriages end in divorce, and seemingly all of them end within 5 years or so, I don't see a problem with going an alternative route with your relationship if it's agreeable by both parties. Marriage does not mean what it used to for many people, unfortunately. It is commendable that you see the value in your connection and were able to step out of the box of convention and accept his feelings on the subject without trying to change him. I know some couples that have thought they could change their significant other and been ultimately disappointed, sometimes to the point of detriment. I respect that you aren't trying to do that.
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